A common myth is that all college age students are sexually active. Myths can be powerful because students can at times feel pressured to behave in ways that they think their peers are. The reality is that not all college age students are sexually active. In fact, a recent study conducted by the Arthur Ashe Student Health and Wellness Center’s Health Education Department found that 61% of UCLA undergrads under the age of 21 had never had vaginal or anal intercourse. Remember that you have a choice as to whether you want to be sexually active or not.

There are many factors that can contribute to someone feeling unsure about the decision to be sexually active. Decisions about sex can be influenced by our socialization as men and women. This socialization can make men feel as if they have to be the sexual aggressor and be ready and wanting of sex all of the time. Women can be made to feel as if it is shameful to have sexual appetites of their own although at the same time the media often portrays women as sexual objects. The media, family, peers and other external influences can give us differing messages about our sexuality. All of these different messages can lead to confusion. Seeking out information and talking with friends, family or counselors on campus can be helpful in sorting through these issues and in developing a good sense of your own sexual identity.

Although there are many influences on the development of our sexual identity, there are some questions that you can ask yourself to help you to decide whether to be sexually active including: What kind of sexual activities am I comfortable with? How does sex fit in with my moral or religious beliefs? What are my fears or hopes about sex? Do I want to have a one-night stand? Do I love and trust my partner enough to have sex? Does my partner love and respect me? How do I keep from getting pregnant or contracting a sexually transmitted infection (STI)? How do I have an orgasm? Although we can’t answer most of these questions for you, we can give you information that will help you answer them for yourself. But even before we talk about facts and statistics, the most important thing to remember is that you should only do what you are comfortable with. No one has the right to pressure you into sexual activity. The choice should always be yours. If someone has tried to, or made you, or someone you’re close to, engage in a sexual activity when you didn’t want to, please see our sections on Sexual Violence.

14 Questions to Ask Myself

One issue that many college students face is the question of having sex for the first time. This is often a very emotionally laden issue as students struggle with sexual feelings, possible pressure from their partner and ideals and beliefs about sex. So how do you make this important decision? Unfortunately, there is no clear cut answer, but there are questions to ask yourself that might help you decide whether or not to have sex for the first time, or at any time.
• Do I respect my partner and does s/he respect me?
• Will I feel good about having sex with this person afterwards?
• Is my relationship with my partner monogamous and, if not, is that important to me?
• If I’m planning to have sex because I have strong feelings for my partner, does s/he return those feelings?
• Can I trust my partner to listen to me and not pressure me into doing anything I don’t want to do?
• Does having sex with this person feel right for me right now?
• Do I know how to prevent unwanted pregnancy or STI’s, and do I have contraception with me?
• Am I having sex because I want to or because I feel pressured by my peers, my partner, or the culture around me?
• Am I prepared to deal with an unwanted pregnancy or STI if our protection fails? (Some STI’s are transmitted even with the use of a condom)
• Would I feel more comfortable having sex if my partner were tested for STI’s?
• Is having sex consistent with my moral and religious values?
• Am I having sex because I’m intoxicated and would I make this choice if I were sober?
• Do I want to have intercourse with my partner, or would I rather engage in other sexual activities?
• And most importantly…Do I want to do this and do I feel comfortable with my choice?

It’s also important to remember that although you may feel that everyone around you is having sex this is not actually the case. Remember the recent Ashe study that found that 61% of UCLA undergrads under the age of 21 reported that they had never had vaginal or anal intercourse. So if you decide not to have sex, for whatever reason, you are not alone. Sex can be a wonderful experience, but only if both people are willing, so think about it and make sure you are making the choice that is best for you.

Do I want to have sex?

Even if you’ve had sex before, you’re likely to find yourself facing this question again at different points in your life. In making this decision, the questions listed above are just as relevant whether this is the first time you’ve had sex or the 20th. The best way to ensure a positive sex life is to think about what and whom you feel comfortable with and what you want, as this will help you to set boundaries and stick to them. This issue leads us to the next two questions…

Do I want to have sex with this partner?

Not only do you have to make decisions about whether or not you want to have sex in the abstract, but you also need to think about whom you want to have sex with. Who you choose as a partner can make a big difference in how you feel about both sex and the relationship. It is important to choose someone you feel comfortable with, that you respect and trust and who can trust and respect you. You may choose to have a one-night stand or you may choose only to have sex within a committed relationship, but it’s important to remember that regardless sex is a choice and not something you owe your partner or have to do. In deciding to have sex with a particular partner, the questions we outlined above can help you to make a choice you feel comfortable with.

What am I comfortable with?

This question is about what sexual acts you want to do and which ones you don’t. There are many different ways to be sexually active and you may feel comfortable with some and not with others, or you may want to do some activities with one partner but not with another. As always, choice is the main issue- what activities you engage in should always be your choice and not something imposed on you by anyone else. Here are some things to think about which may help you to set boundaries and be sure about what you want:
• I may be attracted to this person, but am I ready to kiss him/her yet?
• I’m comfortable kissing this partner, but am I ready to let him/her touch my body?
• Petting and foreplay are okay, but am I ready to have intercourse?
• My partner wants to have oral sex, but I’m not sure if I’m ready for that.
• We’ve been talking about having anal sex, but the idea kind of scares me.

Remember, just because you’re comfortable with one type of sexual activity, doesn’t mean you have to be comfortable with others. And even if you’ve done a particular act with your partner in the past, this doesn’t obligate you to do it again if you don’t want to.

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Communicating about sex

So, now that you’ve thought about whether or not you want to have sex, who you want to have sex with, and what activities you feel comfortable with, it is important to talk to your partner about all of this. Once you’ve figured out what your boundaries are, it is important to communicate them – there’s no way for your partner to know what you feel comfortable with if you don’t tell him or her!

Talking to your partner about sex

Often, people want to communicate with their partner about sex, but they don’t know how. They might feel embarrassed, scared or nervous to actually talk about sex. However, like any other skill, this is something you can learn. It could actually improve your sex life by increasing the trust between you and your partner and help you to understand each other’s likes and dislikes. Here are some tips for improving communication about sex:
• Have the talk before the clothes come off – it’s difficult to talk about anything clearly when you’re in the midst of sexual excitement!
• Communicate clearly to your partner what you do and do not want to do. If they start to push your boundaries, let them know and tell them to stop.
• Listen to what your partner says and respect their boundaries. If they tell you that you’re pressing their boundaries, listen to them and stop what you’re doing.
• Tell your partner what you do and don’t like and listen to your partner’s preferences as well – this can make the sex even better as well as making sure you’re both comfortable with what’s going on.

For more information about how to communicate with your partner please link to Upcoming Events to find out about upcoming workshops on communication and assertiveness presented by The Center for Women & Men. Or link to our website section on Effective Communication. Or come in to The Center to talk with one of our counselors (Consultation and Referrals).

Talking to your partner about STIs and birth control

An important part of your communication with your partner is the discussion safer sex practices. This is essential to preventing disease and unwanted pregnancies. If you’re going to have sex, you need to discuss whether or not either of you has, or suspects you may have, an STI (sexually transmitted infection) and how you will protect yourselves from passing one along. Even if neither of you thinks that you have an STI, it’s still important to be safe because many infections don’t show symptoms immediately or at all and could be passed on unknowingly. Luckily, most methods that prevent STIs also prevent unwanted pregnancy. (However, the reverse is not true, many contraceptive methods offer no protection against STI’s, so if you are going to use one of those methods, it is important to be tested for STI’s and then make sure you are monogamous with each other.) The clinicians at the Arthur Ashe Student Health and Wellness Center are happy to provide physical exams as well as answer any questions that students have regarding STI’s and birth control (either link to their website to make an appointment or call at 310-825-4073). Visit the Ashe Center website for more written information about STI’s and birth control.

When you sit down to discuss STI’s and birth control with your partner it is important to consider whether or not either of you is at risk for having an STI and what method of prevention you will use. Here are some tips for having this important discussion:
• The timing of the discussion is important- have it before the clothes come off! Once you’re in the moment, it’s very easy to make bad decisions because you think that it’ll be okay “just this once”. Sometimes it only takes one time to contract an STI or get pregnant.
• Be honest with each other. If you have an STI, you need to tell your partner and plan around it for sex. If you’re currently being treated for an STI, you might want to wait until it clears up. If you have an incurable STI, like herpes or HIV, you need to be particularly careful about prevention. It is important to let your partner make their own informed choices about risk by being honest with them.
• As attractive and wonderful as your partner may be, don’t trust them when they tell you they don’t have any STI’s unless you’re in a committed, monogamous relationship and you know for a fact that they don’t. People don’t always tell the truth about STI’s because they are embarrassed or ashamed. Additionally, people frequently don’t know that they’re carrying an STI and can pass it on unknowingly.
• Make decisions about what kind of prevention you’re going to use when you have sex and don’t have sex unless you have the prevention method available to you. Condoms are a good choice, because, if used correctly, they are highly effective in preventing both pregnancy and most STI’s. However, keep in mind that STI’s can be transmitted even with the use of a condom. Female condoms are also an option, though they are less effective than male applied condoms. Latex gloves and dental dams can be useful for preventing transmission of STI’s through oral sex or digital/genital or digital/anal contact. Birth control methods like the pill, IUDs, diaphragms, cervical caps, foam, a sponge, Norplant or Depo-Provera can all be effective in preventing pregnancy but the DO NOT prevent STI’s. The clinicians at the Ashe Center can help you decide which methods are best for you.
• Talk with your partner about what you will do if your prevention method fails. How will you deal with an STI or an unwanted pregnancy? What are your options?

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Where to get more information on campus

There is so much to know about sex, safer sex and communicating about sex. Congratulations… you have gotten a good start by reading this section of the website. If reading this has left you with further questions, remember that there are many other resources available to you as a student. It just takes a little time to talk with a counselor, a clinician or to look on the web and you can find the answers to your questions.

The counselors at The Center for Women & Men welcome students to come in to ask any questions about communicating with partners about sex or to explore any issues about sex (please link to Counseling and Referral). Workshops can also be a great way to learn more- please link to Upcoming Events to find out about upcoming workshops on communication and assertiveness presented by The Center for Women & Men. There is also valuable information about Effective Communication on this website. LGBT students or students questioning their sexuality are welcome to come in and talk to one of The Center’s counselors (please link to Counseling and Referral) and you also can speak to one of the staff members at the LGBT Resource Center.

Clinicians at the Arthur Ashe Student Health and Wellness Center are always happy to talk with students about any issue related to sex and have clinics specially designed for you (the Men’s Health Clinic and Women’s Health Service). Make an appointment by going to the Ashe Center website or call 310-825-4073. For written information online about contraception or sexually transmitted infections (STI’s) please visit the Ashe Center website. You will find written information regarding cervical caps, cystitis, diaphragms, emergency contraceptive pills, genital warts, gonorrhea, HIV testing, premenstrual syndrome, pregnancy testing and many more topic areas.

Some of the information for this section was compiled from the following websites:
www.safersex.org
www.itsyoursexlife.com