• Sleep disturbances: Nightmares, difficulty falling or staying asleep
• Change in appetite (has no appetite or eats more than usual)
• Irritability or outbursts of anger
• Difficulty concentrating
• Fears about personal safety
• Exaggerated startle response (jumps at a small noise, or if their name is called)
• Numbness, uncommunicative
• Depressed - she/he may experience feelings of hopelessness
• Has difficulty being touched or expressing loving feelings
• Withdrawal or disinterested in participating in activities they once enjoyed (doesn’t feel like going out, going to movies, seeing friends, volunteering or participating in student groups, etc.)
• Seems detached from others

• Believe them
• Maintain a calm manner
• Listen without interrupting
• Allow for tears and expression of feelings
• Convey genuine concern
• Provide accurate information
• Allow them to make her or his own choices
• Set judgments aside
• Maintain confidentiality
• Let them know that “It’s not your fault” (You cannot say this enough!)
• Let them know that there are people who can help and that they don’t have to go through this alone (see Resources/Links)
• Refer your friend to help and encourage them to go. They trust you. That is why they are talking to you. You can use that influence to help them to reach out for help.

• Do not place blame or question the survivor’s actions
• Do not ask what or why questions, for example:
  • “What were you doing out alone at 2:00 in the morning?”
  • “Why did you drink so much?”
  • “Why didn’t you ask someone to walk you to your car?”
  • “Why did you go to his room?”
    Questions like this may make the person feel blamed or guilty and may decrease the chances of their being willing to speak to a counselor who can help them.
• Do not ask for details about what happened or ask too many probing questions. You can be just as helpful without knowing the details of what happened. You can be most helpful by helping to get the assault survivor to a counselor who can assist them.
• Do not tell the survivor what to do - they need to feel in control of what is happening to them.
• Do not tell others about the assault or gossip about it. Unless you have the survivor’s permission and are making a referral to someone in a professional capacity, do not talk to others about the assault. It is critical that you respect the confidentiality of the person who has been assaulted. Their trust in themselves and others has already been severely damaged by the assault. You don’t want to accidentally make things worse.
• Do not dismiss their feelings or minimize what happened by comments like “It’s ok now,” or “I know just how you feel.”
• Do not overload them with too much information

• She/he can bring a friend or family member with them to The Center for Women & Men and they may also sit in the counseling session with the survivor (Consultation & Referral). Rape Services Consultants (RSC’s) are available at The Center to provide options for getting counseling, medical assistance, legal assistance, talking with the police, talking with parents, your professors, family, housing, the Dean of Students Office, etc. (all at the survivor’s request).
• Getting help doesn’t mean they have to decide about whether or not to report to the University Police or LAPD. They can decide that later.
• It’s important to get medical help right away or as soon as possible. This not only allows for the collection of important evidence but also can help to prevent pregnancy and some sexually transmitted diseases (STDs). The Rape Treatment Center Santa Monica - UCLA Medical Center allows all survivors to have a friend, partner, family member or counselor accompany them during the medical exam.
• Don’t shower, douche, brush teeth or rinse mouth, or change clothes if at all possible - you will lose important evidence. If you have already changed, bring the clothes you were wearing at the time of the assault in a paper bag with you to the hospital.
• If you think you may have been drugged, try to resist the urge to urinate and request a urine screen at the hospital or Rape Treatment Center. For more information about rape drugs please link to Rape Drugs.

It’s important to remember that even if you have not been directly attacked or injured, you may experience some of the same emotional upset and mental confusion felt by the direct victim, since the victimization of someone close to you threatens your own well being and sense of security. Secondary victims are particularly likely to have difficulty with feelings of fear, anger, and guilt. They may feel - reasonably or not - that they were somehow responsible for the victim’s vulnerability, and dwell on a long list of “If only I had…”

People close to assault survivors also need a safe place to deal with their own feelings apart from dealing with the survivor’s feelings. This is important for everyone’s recovery because people close to survivors can, in trying to cope with their own fear, anger, and guilt, make coping more difficult for the primary victim. For instance, people close to victims may be angry, want revenge, and push the survivor to take action (such as legal action) before the survivor is ready. Since the most important thing for a survivor is to reestablish feelings of control, being pushed to act before she/he is ready can make it more difficult for the survivor to recover. Similarly, people close to survivors may try to do too much to help. Or, they may find it so painful to experience the survivor’s pain that they push the survivor to “get better” faster than the survivor is able to recover from the trauma.

People close to survivors may still need someone to talk to, even if they are able to avoid these less helpful reactions and provide consistent and nonjudgmental support to their friend or loved one. Providing support can be exhausting and overwhelming, and friends and loved ones of survivors often feel sad, helpless, frightened, angry or confused. For some people, the victimization of a friend or loved one can bring up memories of their own experiences of rape, abuse or domestic violence, which can make it even harder to cope and help the survivor recover. If someone close to you is a survivor of violent trauma, it’s important for you to recognize that your responses, which may be very strong, are normal and legitimate. You too may need some time and help in recovering from this trauma. Counseling is available for people close to survivors at The Center for Women & Men (Counseling & Referrals) and it can also be helpful to get involved with groups working to fight sexual assault (please link to Clothesline Project or http://www.lacaaw.org).