When someone you care for is traumatized…

The Center get's lots of questions from men about how to help a friend, girlfriend or partner who has been sexually assaulted at some time in their life or who has gone through some other form of trauma. Men want to help and are sometimes not sure what their role can or should be in the recovery process. Here are a few ideas that may be useful.

When someone experiences a traumatic event it can be life altering, regardless of whether it is a rape or other assault, an accident, a natural disaster, or the death of a loved one. During the difficult and painful process of recovery, it is essential that the survivor receives the proper support. For the friends, family, and loved-ones that provide this support, it is also a difficult time. You must deal not only with the feelings and experiences of the survivor, but also with your own because when two lives are intertwined, trauma in one has a profound effect on the other. This is the case especially if you were somehow involved with or nearby when the trauma occurred. It can be a precarious balance between dealing with your own emotions while supporting your loved one.

Here are some good guidelines and tips to follow if you find yourself in this type of situation.

• Be open, available, and receptive to their needs but not directive.
  Let them know you are there for them when they need you, but let them heal at their own pace. Survivors need to re-establish feelings of control and independence, which is difficult if someone is constantly pushing them to act and do things before they are ready. If you attempt to coddle them or to make all their decisions, it can hamper the healing process, even if your intentions are good. The survivor needs to re-establish feelings of personal autonomy and empowerment.
• Your own feelings of sadness, responsibility, and/or anger are common and must be dealt with constructively. Acknowledge these feelings to the survivor but go elsewhere for help.
  You may be dealing with your own pain and loss of security. When a loved one suffers trauma, we often blame ourselves for not being there, for not doing enough, or for not offering enough protection. Remember that there is no way to protect someone 24/7 and being overprotective now to compensate can interfere with their recovery. The same goes for other complicated emotions: you can tell the survivor about your feelings, but it is better to use other sources of support such as other friends and/or counselors. It is best not to overburden the recovering survivor with the pain and confusion of two people; they have a lot to deal with on their own.
• Revenge and anger are not what the victim needs.
  Men especially may feel the impulse to rush off in search of revenge, especially if another person and/or a group of persons perpetrated the trauma. This may make you feel better and seem useful or righteous, but it is not likely to be the best way to help the survivor. They would much rather you were there to console them and support their pain than running off for revenge in which you or others might get hurt. Ask them what would be the best way for you to help. There are ways to offer them a sense of support and security that don't involve violence and/or rage.
• Be aware that they will need time to recover.

Each individual person deals with pain and trauma in their own ways; not everyone will react in the same manner. So it is a good idea to remember that your friend will need a lot of personal time to recover on their own terms. The survivor will be more open or more closed at different times, so don't take it personally if you are temporarily shut out. Tell them you are there for them when they need you.

Common feelings include shame, fear of a recurrence of the event or strong feelings associated with it, rage or irrational anger directed at the source of the event, anger or envy directed at those who were not traumatized by it, and a very important need to talk about (i.e. vent) the experience and the emotions attached to it. The survivor may not wish to talk about it all the time, but there is a much greater chance for recovery if they are able to express their personal reactions. Survivors may also experience flashbacks, nightmares, anxiety, depression, and difficulty concentrating.

Support groups and counseling can lead to a realization that they are not alone in the recovery process and that there are others going through similar experiences. This can be very therapeutic.

• Be aware of resources on and off campus for both of you.
  UCLA is a very supportive environment, and there are numerous student services available to help students constructively cope with and make sense of their pain and healing. These resources are there not only for victims and survivors, but also for those whose lives have been affected by the traumatic experiences of their friends and loved ones.
  
  Here are the most pertinent campus resources, but you may also visit http://www.thecenter.ucla.edu/onlinks.html for a complete list of links.
• THE CENTER FOR WOMEN AND MEN offers confidential and free counseling for both of you. A friend or loved-one may accompany the survivor during counseling if they wish.
  Student Activities Center , Suite B44
  310-825-3945
  TheCenter@saonet.ucla.edu
• UCLA STUDENT PSYCHOLOGICAL SERVICES offers confidential individual and group therapy.
  310-825-0768.
• SANTA MONICA RAPE TREATMENT CENTER offers free and confidential counseling for those who have been raped or sexually assaulted. Services open 24 hours at (310) 319-4503.
• LGBT CAMPUS RESOURCE CENTER offers confidential and free counseling as well as a variety of support groups.
  Student Activities Center , Suite B36
  310-206-3628
  lgbt@ucla.edu

How do I talk to a friend or girlfriend if I think they have an eating disorder?

As many as 50% of college students have some form of “disordered eating.” Estimates of “eating disorders” among college students range from 3-7%. A great many more young women, and a significant minority of men, find their lives restricted on a daily basis by a negative body image and disordered eating behaviors, such as obsession about food/weight, restrictive dieting, binge eating, use of diet pills and/or laxatives, vomiting after eating, and/or compulsive exercise.

Disordered eating behaviors can be connected with a complex combination of social, family, individual, and biological factors. Someone with an eating problem needs to see a trained professional.

Here are a few Do's and Don't for supporting your girlfriend (or any friend) during this difficult time.

DO

• Learn about eating disorders so that you will know the signs.
• Become aware of local resources available.
• Talk to your girlfriend in a confidential, calm, and caring way.
• Be specific about what you see, and use "I" statements to share your concerns. ("I'm concerned about you because you refuse to eat breakfast and lunch and keep saying you're lightheaded.")
• Focus on your concerns about your friend's health and well-being, not on her weight or appearance. ("I've noticed that you are tired and sad and haven't been eating much.")
• Explain how the problem is affecting you and your relationship. ("It makes me afraid to hear you vomiting." "It's hard for me when you're always worrying about your weight/diet.")
• Share your own struggles; be open and real.
• Give her hope that with help and patience she can free herself from this disorder and be happy again.
• Offer a written list of professional resources for help. To make an appointment with a counselor at Student Psychological Services, call (310) 825-0768. To make an appointment with a medical professional at the Ashe Center call (310) 825-4073.
• Be supportive and available when she needs someone. Listen to her with understanding, respect, and sensitivity.
• Expect denial. People with eating disorders often insist that they do not need help. By sharing your concern, you are helping by planting a seed.
• Know your limits. You cannot force someone to change his/her behavior or to seek help. Talk to a professional about your concerns.

DON'T

• Make statements about her weight or appearance.
• Take any action alone. You should get help.
• Try to solve her problem for her. She needs a qualified person.
• Don't avoid addressing the issue. You should talk with her.
• Don't use blame or make accusations.
• Don't try to diagnose her.
• Don't give simple solutions. (If you would just eat more things would be fine.)
• Gossip about her.
• Follow her around to check her eating/purging behaviors. This can make her feel resentful or powerless and actually slow the recovery process.
• Ignore her. She needs you.