What makes a man attractive?

In movies, books, and late-night talk shows, the idea is put forward that women want the bad boys and that nice guys make better friends. Are nice guys doomed to be perpetual friends but never the boyfriends?

What women actually say is that they are interested in personality traits such as kindness, compassion, honesty, and sincerity. These qualities are the ones that top the polls of what women are looking for. If you look at the length and quality of relationships, a woman is much more likely to remain with a good guy. Some women may be drawn to “bad boys” at one time or another, but these relationships seldom last.

One of the most desirable personality traits is confidence (but not arrogance). Confidence is sexy and comforting because it shows that you are comfortable with who you are. Among the other things that women are attracted to in a man: a good listener, generosity, warmth and humor.

Should you date a friend?

This is a very common yet perplexing question for students, especially when living in the residence halls. You come into contact with such a diverse range of people, and many of them may make great friends. But you are also bound to be attracted to some of these students in other ways. Fear over a loss of friendship can make the decision to cross the friend/more-than-friend boundary a little confusing. There are definitely risks connected with dating a friend. Ask yourself what you stand to lose and compare it to what you stand to gain.

What you stand to gain may be significant. You may already know your friend pretty well, which makes it easier to bypass the sometimes awkward “getting to know you” stage that must occur in the beginning of any relationship. You are already compatible on some levels if you have survived as friends. And if things do work out, it can deepen and enrich your already established relationship.

There are some other practical reasons why dating a friend may not be a bad idea. You are probably less nervous around them. You already know them, flaws and all, so you will have some idea of what you are getting into. They also know a lot about you, and since they are friends with you, they already like who you are. You probably already have common friends and interests, so it may be easier to integrate them into your existing social network.

On the other hand, there may be negative outcomes from dating a friend. A romantic relationship has different dynamics than a friendship. There may be things about one or both of you that were fine in friendship but hard to handle in a romantic relationship. For example, maybe certain personal habits are ok if you only see a person a few hours at a time, but are not something you want to be around all the time. The concern about losing a good friend is also a serious one. Dating a friend will not necessarily ruin your friendship, but if the relationship does go sour, there is the possibility that you will lose the friendship.

How do you find out whether your friend would be interested in a romantic relationship? While it may seem easier to resort to subtle means of ascertaining your friend's feelings (asking them on a “friend date” or making a joke about what things would be like if you were together), the information you get in this way may not be reliable. People may joke about something but may not mean it in a serious way. If you want a truthful answer, the best approach is to ask directly. Letting someone know how you feel will not only help you find out what is possible, but it will also show your friend that you have the confidence to seek what you want.

How do I end a good date if I am not sure if they want to be kissed?

Let's suppose that you really like your date and want to kiss her goodnight. You, as a man, are expected to figure out if she wants to kiss you and make the move. That's a lot of pressure. Sometimes it's easy to figure out; she's helping you out by giving you hints. But sometimes it's not so easy. The most direct route is to ask. Women find it sexy when a guy makes eye contact and then says, “Can I kiss you?”

Suppose you don't want to kiss your date. People sometimes assume that all guys want to get as physical as they can, as fast as they can. Every guy is different in terms of his comfort and readiness for physical interaction. If you don't want to kiss her, then don't. You have a right to go at the pace you want and the right to decide not to pursue a relationship with a particular person.

How do I end a bad date?

This is a really hard situation. You may be worried about hurting your date's feelings. There are two different scenarios to consider:

1) It may be obvious that neither of you felt very compatible. This is an easier scenario to deal with. The actual language you choose is up to you, but in the long run gentle honesty goes a long way. You could say something like "I don't think the chemistry is there.” This is far more respectful than saying "I'll call you," and never following through.

2) If you didn't have a good time, and don't want to see her again, but you think she may have had a better experience, then you have a more difficult problem. But, again, being honest in this situation will leave you in a better position than trying to make something up to "protect" her. If protecting her means lying to her, then you aren't doing her a favor. Most women say they would rather know up front if a guy likes them.

So, even if you feel uncomfortable, do your best to be honest without being unkind. Tell her in a respectful way that you had a nice time, but that you'd like to call it a night. Although she might not be happy with this, at least you've been honest, and that, in the end, is respectful and responsible.

How honest should I/can I be with my girlfriend/partner?

Many people will tell you that honesty is the most important part of a relationship. Those same people will probably not tell you how difficult it can sometimes be to actually be honest in a relationship.

First of all, ask yourself if you're being honest with yourself about the relationship. Are you getting what you want and need out of it? Do you and your girlfriend have good communication? What would need to change in the relationship for you to be happy? Before you can even attempt to be honest with her about the relationship, you will need to be honest with yourself.

Once you've thought about these kinds of questions yourself, you can begin to talk honestly about them with your partner. Hopefully your partner will value your honesty and will try to understand your concerns. It is very difficult to maintain a relationship without open communication. Try to build that communication into your relationship from the start.

How do I break-up with my partner when I know it will hurt them?

Staying with someone you don't want to be with will hurt them more in the long run than leaving them.

Think about what you would want them to do if they were in your shoes. Would you want to be led on, and string the hurt out, or would you want them to be honest and straight with you? Experience tells us that most people would rather know the truth in the long-run, no matter how hurtful or painful it may be, than live a lie. The Center for Women and Men offers workshops quarterly on how to break up and move on. You might also want to meet with a counselor to discuss your specific situation and develop the best approach for you.

When should I not call my ex?

After you have broken up with someone, you may still get an irresistible urge to call them. If you have already talked with your ex about the breakup and agreed not to call each other, try to resist the urge to call. If someone has broken up with you and you keep calling them, you risk becoming the “creepy stalker guy”. This can even put you and your academic career in danger, and it will do nothing to bring back the one you care about. If anything, it will drive them further away.

If she/he does respond to your call positively, you may feel momentarily comforted and close to her. However, soon the anguish will return, because you're still not together and then you'll have to work through your feelings of loss again, doubling your amount of work.

Going through the pain without your partner may seem like passing through a crucible of fire, but if you don't call or e-mail her, you will start to feel better faster.

Working through you feelings will happen in time, even thought it may not feel like it at first. Hang in there. Instead, share these feeling with someone else –a supportive friend or a counselor. Having a support system not only helps you to avoid contacting your ex, but it helps you feel less isolated and more emotionally connected to others, which will help prevent loneliness and depression.

Read more on communication.